oomph periscopes.: Story Time!

March 8, 2020

A Christmas Story

It was the perfect Christmas Eve. We were all gathered ‘round the tree sipping hot chocolate, the fireplace crackling behind us. Grandpa was getting comfortable on the couch ready to tell us a story. Under the tree, presents were overflowing and we couldn’t help but peek, but grandpa said, “listen…listen to my story.” All at once, they heard a knock at the door.

I told my husband, “You need to fix that door bell.” Santa doesn't use a doorbell, but that didn’t prevent Santa from being captured on my new video doorbell, and what he was caught doing was very unusual. Santa was punching Rudolph in the face because he should have taken a left turn at Albuquerque. GPS or no GPS, he should know the correct route by now. Rudolph piped in, “no GPS because I nose the way."

Donner and Blitzen are just along for the ride. “Yo, Santa! Where we going?” They asked. We are going to the North Pole to pick up Rudolph to start our Christmas journey. No wonder Rudolph doesn’t know the way, he’s an impostor! Noticing the black and white fur spots underneath the brown paint was a clue but watching him race to the kitchen and excitedly turn around in tight circles at the sound of the can opener was undeniable dog behavior. The behavior may have been characteristic of a hungry dog waiting for their next meal but I didn't own a dog. And maybe this is best kept a mystery anyway, because really, who will notice flashing puppet shoes hanging from the ceilings? Well, maybe my mom would notice such a thing....if she wasn’t distracted by all these Popeyes chicken sandwiches!! Popeyes has this way of tunneling your brain waves so all you can think about is chicken, chicken, chicken, and maybe some mashies and gravy, so I don’t blame my Mom for not noticing the reindeer hoof sticking out of the doorway.

I suspect the Colonel is somehow behind all of this. Because, even being a man of gentility and honor, the Colonel tends to get ruthless around the holidays. And “peace to men of good will” be damned, I’m cutting the line at Popeyes for a chicken sandwich. I’m tired of eating turkey the past seven days because my sisters family never showed up for Thanksgiving dinner. Now that my turkey coma has passed, I look forward to my sister and her family taking the turkey leftovers home after Christmas so she can share the same joy I felt last month!

Now on to more important things! The holiday season is in full swing and there’s a million things on my to-do list, starting with the sleigh! I look in the mirror on my way out the door and wonder, does this suit make me look fat? No fatter than any other suit, I guess, I say to myself and head out to meet my fate. It sure is chilly out. I think I’ll wear my thermal underwear. I went to my bedroom and started to undress. Catching a reflection of myself in the mirror, I paused and smiled as I was feeling good about my meal and workout routine. Pickled pigs feet has always been one of my favorite foods, after liver & onions of course. When you compliment this cuisine with a fine bottle of Two Buck Chuck wine it is heavenly. But unfortunately, I didn’t have any Two Buck Chuck wine, so I substituted Pepsi, which did not have quite the same results. Pepsi should never be substituted for Coke when it comes to leaving an ice cold sparkling beverage for Santa Claus. It's classic advertising, like an RC cola and a moonpie in summertime, but I digress...

I even sold my kidney, but don’t even get me started on the weirdo haggling for my gallstones. Up to fifty percent off makes sense for holiday sales, but not for body parts. Of course if all you have is legs, and people are clamoring for arms, you'd be inclined to put legs on sale. We have all kinds of legs, women's legs, men's legs, children's legs, legs with socks, legs with shoes, shaved legs, hairy legs, skinny legs and rubber legs. As I walk out the door once again, I have to wonder do these boots make my legs look fat? Or am I too sexy for these boots! Well maybe not...they did match the magenta-colored wig and the silver wings made of faux satin lace. Which went strikingly well with her long white leather boots. This look would be a hit at the Christmas party.

My Uber was dancing, I nearly split my sides. Thankfully though, my body stayed intact and the destination was in sight. I managed to pull myself together and with parched lips, I limped towards the beautiful waterfall. I would have rather drank tequila but beggars can't be choosers. I don’t know why they embellished my Martini glass with a candy cane. Candy canes aren’t one of my favorites so I gave it to my grandson who then decorated the Christmas tree with it. It was the best tree ever! Filled with delicious grapefruits, ready to be squeezed. I bit into the juicy flesh of the grapefruit and was transformed, glowing brighter than the sun. I began to tingle all over, while my vision began to fade, ultimately going completely dark. I began to feel a surreal out of body experience that felt like I was gliding above a field of watermelons. And then I settled down into the field, only to discover they were actually pumpkins, and time had mysteriously fast forwarded to October.

Suddenly an urge came over me to start smashing. I like home made wine. To drink wine is to know life, to celebrate the moment. Don’t save the good stuff for specials occasions, drink it now. So I chugged a 32 ounce glass of my favorite cocktail, gin and purple koolaid. And I ate the usual combo of one French baguette stuffed with avocado, honey, scrambled eggs with Swiss cheese. Grandma sure did know what to do with leftovers. Unknowingly, some were stuffed into the guests coat pockets among other places. Now the aroma of goat cheese filled the air. The beautiful scent nostalgically evocative made me reach for my britches and sandals. And once again I had to ask, do these britches make me look fat?

Contributors:

Mig @archtmf

John @wellfleetguy

Laurie @foundlaurie

Judi @tikitales

Ben @Benspiers

Keith @keithinmiami

Micah @bigmicah83

Bob @Bob_W41N

Mark @dorsetmark

Genevieve @ZenGenevieve

Mike @pilotmike797

Robert @BigShotBob

Tom @TomMcGowan777

Mark @ToThe6ixTDot

@Bmannnnnnnn
Lalo @lalolopezlive
Cindy @CynleeF

November 18, 2019

FALLing for Chicken

It was dark, the moon was out, and there was a chill in the air. The stench was almost unbearable, bile rising up the back of my throat. An unusual reaction, admittedly, considering I was at a KFC restaurant, but I guess I’ve never really been a huge fan of KFC. The artwork on the wall and full size sculptures belonged in a fine art museum. But she enjoyed her prizes and her privacy too much to share her passion with the world, not yet anyway.

So she ventured off to a deserted island to relish in what she had won. Though she was alone, she could hear faint voices chanting her name. The sound got louder and she realized it was a mariachi band singing her name. She was in such disbelief that they could possibly know her name, and she worried that they knew where she was going next. But what they didn't know was that she was a he. Nor did they know that he wasn’t even a “him”, but rather, he was a “them”. All they knew was the time was now to reveal the truth.

The leader stepped forward and nervously coughed into his hands before taking an ancient book off the shelf, turning the pages to reveal an ancient map while looking outside the window to see the matching landscape. The treasure is out there. And it’s beyond spectacular; inside a golden chest, riddled with rubies, just beyond the horizon, under the jacaranda tree with the hook shaped branch. The sun had fallen below the horizon, she stood still under the velvet sky; it was like a dream far beyond any of her expectation. As she star gazed at the billions of stars, a greenish meteor lit up the sky like fireworks. As quickly as it was lit, the sky fell dark once again and an eerie feeling of hollow silence filled the autumn air.

The leaves were rustling around my feet and started to circle my whole body like a tornado. I felt the ground beneath me soften and realized I was beginning to sink into the earth. Slowly at first like quicksand, then WHOOOSH! I was falling faster and faster. My head was spinning so hard. And the voices in my head told me to drop what I was doing and start digging a hole in my back yard.

I had always wanted to plant a grapefruit tree, and at this moment the inspiration came to me. The inspiration came to me while sitting at my kitchen table enjoying a fresh grapefruit for lunch. It wasn’t a spectacularly dramatic or academically brilliant type of inspiration, but I knew what to do and I needed plenty of plastic bags. I fastened the bags to the pole with a staple gun and proceeded to look around for some spray paint. I didn’t have to look far as the sunlight shone on a can of gold paint, hidden behind a tuft of grass. I was tempted to use the gold paint, but what was that horrendous smell?

She said, “It smells like teen spirit!”

And she was right, because grouped in front of her was the high school pep squad all sweaty from their practice. They were all wearing fluorescent green full body suits with pink polka dots. And when they leaned into the lamplight, the pink polka dots shimmered as if they were alive. It was reminiscent of Deney Terrio & Motion on Dance Fever. They twirled, they swayed, they funked the light fantastic.

And then, a large shadow passed overhead…and everything went dark again. I reached my hands out in front of me as I desperately tried to feel for something, anything. But nothing. The air got colder and thinner, and it was hard to breathe.

I could hear a whirling sound nearby. I inched toward it, hands out like a mummy and feeling the ground with my feet as I went. But it wasn’t the ground I needed to worry about, because WHOOOOSH! The whirling sound sucked me up like a vacuum. Up, up, up I went, fast at first, then slow. It was getting warmer as I reached the top, and I could feel the heat on my face. There was a familiar smell and I could hear a voice. It was near me. Elizabeth…Elizabeth…Elizabeth, the boy called out holding a package under my nose…your 12-pc chicken meal with 2 sides and biscuits are ready!